Two Sundays before California was put under stay at home orders due to Covid-19, God brought me to my knees and nothing has been the same ever since. 

For the life of me,  I can’t remember what worship song was playing at church or even what the sermon was about. All I remember seeing and feeling in that moment was everything underneath me breaking. 

Not a fun image to have when everything in your life seems to be going well. You’ve finally become comfortable with how much you have saved in your bank account and with where you’re at in your relationships. There’s just too much to lose and it makes you want to grip onto what you have even tighter. 

This image is far from being hope-filled. I didn’t receive a picture of what it would be like after the breaking. There was no promise of financial peace and successful relationships. There was no promise of an answer to my questions. All that was promised was a breaking, whatever that meant. 

I wish God had placed it on my heart to pray for literally anything else. I wish that He wanted me to pray for safety and blessings, but that wasn’t the case. Before I even realized what I was doing, I was asking God to do the very thing He promised He would do. 

I asked God to break me and he’s been answering that prayer ever since. 

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must say no to themselves. They must pick up their cross and follow me. Whoever wants to save their life will lose it. But whoever loses their life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25).

You know the phrase “having the rug pulled out from under you?” It means to leave someone in a problematic or difficult situation. 

You see, I like my rug. I wove it myself with my expectations, swept things under it that I’d rather stay hidden, and set up camp on top of it. This is comfortable, it’s safe. I really like it here so I grip onto the rug even tighter.

Then, the first tug came and I’m relearning the true cost of following Jesus in a more personal way, by laying down the comfort that I have built. 

It started off with a bang when we were forced to stay at home for what was supposed to be only two weeks. In case you lost track, it’s three months later and here we are.

Then, friends and I started to lose loved ones. 

Pre-made plans for the year started shattering.  

I can go on but I’ll save you the nitty-gritty because chances are if you’re reading this, you’re going through your own impossible situation and it probably doesn’t look like mine.  In fact, possibly the only thing we have in common is that no matter how long or how fervently we’ve been praying, the miracle and healing we so desperately want hasn’t come. 

It’s a paralyzing moment when you’re on the verge of losing it all and you realize that you don’t trust God the way you’d like to believe that you do. Everything in you wants to turn around and run the other way because you just can’t imagine facing this hard.

It’s here where I’m brought to my knees again, questioning whether God is listening or whether he cares at all. Questioning God after following Him your whole life is uncomfortable. Willingly asking God to break you is uncomfortable. But what is comfort if it’s not from God?

“What are we losing by clinging to our comfort?” – Craig Groeschel

Of all my prayers in 2020, I don’t know why this is the prayer that God is working in the most. I certainly didn’t spend as long of a time praying the 3-worded prayer as I did the marathon prayers for healing, blessings, and other miracles. Yet, it’s the one He’s answering loud and clear. 

As painful as it is, it’s worth praising God for it because brokenness is an opportunity for God to create something beautiful. The breaking is happening because there’s something waiting for me on the other side.

If I don’t let go of my comfort, I can’t be broken and poured out for others to know Him.

If I don’t let go of my comfort, I will gain nothing worth gaining.

If I don’t let go of my comfort, I will lose so much more.

We can’t place our trust in our finances, our relationships or anything else for that matter over placing our trust in God. It’s going to cost us, for sure! This is where the not-so-fun breaking and rug-pulling happens.

But I’m coming to know that God isn’t breaking me because he wants to hurt me. He’s breaking me because He loves me. 

He loves me too much to leave me where I’m at. 

He loves me too much to watch me become dependent on anything else that isn’t Him. 

He loves me too much to take away the pain that’s necessary for restoration. 

If we truly want to understand the depths of His love, let’s be bold enough to pray this prayer and wait with hope for Him to do exactly what He says He will do. 

There can’t be any denying anymore of whether or not He hears my prayers or whether or not He cares for me because three months ago, I said these 3 little words that changed the course of my walk with Him and there’s no way I’m turning back now.